Reason I ask….no matter how much I try to be nice, I just view other women as enemies that must be dominated, belittled and outdone in all circumstances.  And I never put anything past other women when it comes to my husband.  Do gay women have to deal with competition from men?  So curious if this is even an issue, or if by definition gay women are completely immune to their charms.

With most questions about gay relationships, I find myself answering that the experience is much the same as straight relationships.  Yes, we bicker about money.  Yes, we like to hold each other and watch tv.  Yes, we get nervous when we meet the in-laws.  But this question has had me thinking for a couple of weeks about how different the experience of being a woman dating women is.

NOTE: As always, I’m answering this question from my personal perspective.  I’m not speaking for all of the gays – just one of the gays.  And this is something I’ve had experience with lately.

Dating. First of all, it seems to be a common issue for women who are dating women to be unclear whether and who they are actually dating.  Is a coffee date a date date, or just coffee? If you’re not kissing, but want to be, is that a date?  What if you haven’t communicated that desire to the other person?  Date?  For two single women to go out to coffee, or even dinner and a movie, isn’t necessarily a date.  For two single lesbians, however, it can be unclear.  Seriously unclear.

Maybe it’s the same for straight people, I’m not sure.  But I’m learning that, in order to make sure everyone is on the same page, it’s a good idea to be very clear up front about whether you are on a date, or hanging out as friends.

Men. As for men as competition, the women that I date or am interested in dating are lesbians.  Which means that, by and large, they aren’t attracted to men.  So, when it comes to seeing men as competition, no, I don’t see them that way.

However…

Competition. And this is where it gets interesting – I can see a lesbian as either a potential date, or as potential competition.  The same woman.  Which brings me back to the issue of knowing whether you are dating someone.  Because, if you are interacting with a woman based on an assumption that she’s a potential date, and it turns out she’s actually competition, it can seriously change the dynamic.  A woman can be one moment someone I might be on a date with, and the next moment someone who is dating someone I’d like to be dating.  It’s even possible that she can be both – at the same time.  Which makes my head and heart explode a little.

For example:  Recently, I found myself in separate, undefined dating-type situations with a couple of fantastic women.  We’d meet for coffee, or bike to pie, or just hang out and watch tv.  A couple of times a week.  I liked them both, found them attractive, and enjoyed spending time with each of them.  They knew that I was spending time with other women, and I knew the same about them.  I saw each of them as potential dates, and interacted with them as though I might like to date them.  But, as we started to define what it was we were doing (whether it was actually dating), we discovered that the three of us were, in fact, dating each other.  Yikes.  Unexpected.  Very quickly, I found that my interactions and feelings about these lovely women shifted and twisted.  I saw one of them as a date and one of them as competition.

And yes, I realize that seeing women as either quarry or competition is seriously limiting, but I think it’s something interesting to consider, nonetheless.  Especially given my reaction.  Yes, it’s time for me to examine the way I view women.  But it also illustrates a dynamic that I hadn’t noticed before.

And I think it’s very different from straight relationships.

So the short answer is, no, I don’t see men as competition.  I kind of think that would be easier.  Right now I feel like every coffee is a scene out of James Bond where I’m trying to figure out whether the beautiful woman across the table from me is a foreign agent about to trade my secrets for a chance at a new life.

This is the second installment of my match.com diaries.  After deciding to give the online dating world a go, I sat down at the keyboard to take the first step from voyeur to active participant:  creating a profile.

I have actually posted profiles on three different sites:  match.com, Curve personals, and okcupid.  The three have slightly different processes for creating a profile, and thus for matching you up with others.  This was a fascinating process.  I got a lot more out of it than I expected.

Match.com takes you through a series of topics, ranging from how many times a week you work out, to where your hot spots are for spending time.  There are 22 of what I call “check box” topics designed to help match you with people who are similar.  These are the religious preference and height requirement sections.  But most of what match provides is room for a lot of text.  You can express yourself in your own words, which, for some is great, and for others is daunting.

With Curve personals you can provide a lot of information using the check box system.  The profile setup takes you through several steps, kind of like TurboTax, to make sure you’ve provided the most complete information. After all, nobody wants an audit on their date.

Okcupid, on the other hand has something like 4,000 user-generated questions you can answer to assure the best match.  Once you answer 25 it tells you you’re good to go, but it’s pretty entertaining to continue on, answering questions like, “should burning your country’s flag be illegal” and “how often do you bathe.”

All of these sites let you post your profile, and also select the profile components of the person you’re looking for.  Unlike the others, okcupid has a weighted system, in which you can indicate how important the answer to the question is, on a scale from mandatory to irrelevant.

About the time I was halfway through my second profile, I realized that I’ve never really sat down and tried to define myself this way.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about defining myself through a series of check boxes, but I’ll tell you that the Curve process made me stop and think a bit.  Aside from telling me that my usual “flicktastic” username contained profanity, the Curve profile asked me to choose from a list of “important things.”

The list included “Attending Religious Services Often”, and “Having a High Sexual Drive”.

Apparently I’m not that concerned with “Keeping the House Neat and Clean” or “Giving to Those Less Fortunate”.  Apparently.  Of course, I also didn’t check “Having a High Sexual Drive,” even though (close your eyes, Mom) that’s actually pretty important.  So, apparently I’m also a little concerned with what I’m putting out into the world.  Which is interesting, as I’m finding that maybe what I’m putting out into the world isn’t exactly what I want to be putting out.  Take the pictures I chose for my profile, just for example

Each of the sites allows for a certain number of profile pictures.  On match it’s 5, on Curve it’s 25, and on okcupid it’s 10.  You choose one picture that displays first when people are searching through profiles.  And although I’m a fairly photogenic person, I have repeatedly chosen pictures for my online profiles that I feel best highlight my personality, and not my looks.  I think that’s a good thing.  Screens out the people who are just looking for a pretty face, or ass.  But in the last week alone, I’ve had a friend, my mom, and a woman I’ve been dating use the word “scary” in reference to pics I’m using.  My mom even went so far as to ask, “who are you trying to scare off?”  Now that’s an interesting question.  Here are the pics.  Tell me what you think:

Yes, maybe a little scary.  Maybe I’m a little scary.  Maybe I see myself as a little scary.  It kind of looks like that’s what I’m putting out there.  And it’s all about what you’re putting out there.  More to come.

It’s true confessions time.  I joined match.com this week.  Go ahead, commence with the ribbing.

It’s the first time I’ve ever joined an online dating service.  It’s been a fascinating experience.  I liken it to the Twilight series.  Check it out.  When I was reading the Twilight books, I would take them with me to a coffee shop and shuttle them quickly from my bag to my lap, shielding the cover from view.  I found them entertaining, but I didn’t want anyone else to know that.  I’d judged far too many people for reading them.  Then, when I decided I wanted to give them a try, I was pretty well ashamed and embarrassed to be seen with the black-covered vampire novels.  Seriously, who reads that stuff?  Turns out I do.

And so it is with match.  I’ve been fortunate enough to find great women throughout my life with relatively little effort.  (Don’t give me a hard time about this.  It’s not because I’m kick-ass or anything.  I just know a lot of people.)  I’m not sure I’ve actually ever even dated.  Even if the other women were just dating me, I’m pretty sure I’ve moved into full-blown relationship mode.  (Yes, I know that in admitting this, I’m throwing up huge warning flags.  Like the rest of my posts make me look sane and stable…)  And I’ve been socially active to a ridiculous extent, giving me a zillion acquaintances.  So the idea of wanting to use an online dating service to find people hasn’t made a lot of sense to me.  Until recently.

I’ve started meeting a lot of women (offline) who are using online dating sites to meet people.  They’re interesting, intelligent women who are using the online sites to broaden their social circle.  Not just to date, but to make friends with common interests who they wouldn’t otherwise run into.  Finding new groups of people can be hard to do in a community as small and connected as the lesbian community is.  And these women are great, which totally blew my perception of who is using dating sites, and why.

I still wasn’t totally comfortable with the idea, so I began the rationalization process.  I told myself, “I’m in no place to be dating anyone, but I could end up with some cool friends and maybe even a travel companion or two”.  I told myself, “This could be a fascinating social experiment”.  I told myself, “I could use this as a way to get over my fears around rejection”.  But basically, I was totally curious.  Who is out there?  And how are they using these sites, exactly?  And so I started filling out the online profiles, choosing which picture to upload and checking the boxes that define my priorities.

I thought maybe I’d make some interesting realizations in going through the process, but I didn’t expect them to come so quickly.  More to come on this, but basically I’ve found myself seriously considering the way I see myself, the way I portray myself to the outside world, the way I see other people, and the way I view relationships on a really fundamental level.  So far it’s been flattering, humbling, and absolutely fascinating.