Lately, I’ve been taking some time to consider what I’ve learned from the pieces of my life that I’m leaving behind.  Both from the successes and from the failures.  It really is the failures that teach the most.   I try really hard to learn from situations that I could have handled better, and I’m grateful when I’m given challenges that afforded me the opportunity to test what I’ve learned.    This week I had a couple of those challenges – and and I found that I chose different ways  to handle them this time.  Yay for me!

Today, I started scheduling out my last week of work.  I sent out an email to the office letting folks know that, if they had anything they would like me to do before I leave, they should schedule with me asap, as it will really be difficult for me to address requests on-the-fly next week, and I am determined to leave my position with as little clean-up left as possible.  I set boundaries for the new work I could take on and communicated it.  That prompted my boss to question what, exactly, I would be doing with my time next week.

This was the first challenge – the first opportunity to see what I’ve learned.

There was a time, not long before I left my last office job, when my then boss asked for a similar accounting, wondering why I wasn’t making as many phone calls as he wanted, and asking if, at the end of the campaign, I would be able to say that I did everything possible to advance the cause.  Now, given that I had left my job as a lawyer, thereby giving up my health insurance and retirement benefits, and incurred significant consumer debt in order to advance the cause, I didn’t appreciate the question.  I believe I started shaking so violently that Leigh came from across the room to try to settle me down.  Over the phone, I responded with something to the effect of “who the hell do you think you are.  Don’t you EVER question my commitment or loyalty to this issue.”  That only led to a very strict accounting of my time at the end of every day.  That didn’t so much make me happy.

When my boss today asked me what I was doing with my time instead of (incidentally) making phone calls, I flashed back to that moment at my kitchen table five years ago when I wanted to destroy the person questioning me.  Then, I took a step back, took a deep breath, and calmly responded with my schedule for the week.  True, I’m leaving soon, but it was nice to recognize that I can respond to a question that I don’t like without seeing it as a personal attack.  It might sound easy, but it hasn’t always been.

The other thing that came up was a little broader in scope.  The issue of volunteer leadership is a big one for a community organizer.  That’s what I’ve been, in different capacities for the last 5 years – an organizer.  When you’re relying on volunteers for the work that you do, it’s hugely important to have a core of dependable, loyal, committed volunteers.  What I learned is that the who and what they are loyal to really speaks to whether or not I’ve done a good job.

When I worked as a GLBT organizer in Salem, I depended on a crew of about 100 volunteers to do some incredibly difficult things.  I asked people to knock on doors in conservative neighborhoods, come out to whomever was at the door and then talk with them about how they felt about gay people.   And my volunteers did that – for almost a year.  A group of us sat outside the capitol building every morning for a month, talking with legislators as they drove into the parking garage.  I asked people to make thousands of phone calls to people who called them names and told them they didn’t believe in my volunteers’ rights.

And they did it.

I was a good organizer because I believed deeply in the cause – and also because I believed deeply in my volunteers.  I paid attention to why each of them was there, and I made sure they got what they needed in order for them to keep showing up, whether that was a meal, something to believe in, or someone to talk to.  I was loyal to them and I knew they were loyal to me.  That’s a pretty excellent feeling, to know that people are showing up to do really hard work, in part because you are the one asking them to do it.   It’s a great feeling, but it’s not leadership.

When I left that position, I knew I had failed.  My volunteers had done some really amazing work and had come together as a true community.  But it wasn’t sustainable.  Despite expressing my concerns to my bosses, trying to identify potential volunteer leaders, encouraging volunteers to continue the work, and even handing the torch publicly to a successor, I knew many of the volunteers wouldn’t continue, because of their loyalty to me. They had done everything I had asked of them, and yet the momentum we had gained would be lost.  And that was my great failure.

But now, this time, as I’m handing over my files and my contacts, I know that I have succeeded as an organizer.  I know that my volunteers are intact. No matter how much they like me, no matter how much they wish I was staying, or how much they couldn’t stand me, they will return.  Their loyalty is to the cause.  And, because their loyalty lies with a cause and not with a person, the work that I did, and that we did, is sustainable.   It will carry on.

That’s pretty cool.

Things are starting to wind down for me at work.  Not that they’re getting any easier or that there’s any slowing of the work.  It’s just that the end is in sight, and now I’m starting to reflect a little.

I remember the final day of my last office job.  When I left , it wasn’t under the most smiley of circumstances.  In fact, I’m still not sure, almost five years later, what happened.  Still, my last day had one especially humorous moment.  It was someone else’s birthday, and I think someone must have realized, part way through the afternoon, that it was my last day, too.    When we gathered to celebrate, it became an impromptu going away as well, complete with cake.

When I first saw the cake, I laughed out loud.  Someone had scrambled to find some frosting and converted the birthday cake into a going away cake.  Because it was freehand and last-minute, I thought (as did other staffers) that the wobbly writing read “That’s it Kristin!”  I read it out loud and laughed.  It was deliciously apropriate.  Once the cake was on the table, we realized that it said “Thanks Kristin!”  But  the damage was already done.  We still refer to it as the “That’s it! cake”.

Tomorrow, my office is having a going away lunch for me.  It’s very sweet.  When I walk out the door next Friday, I’ll be leaving them 3 and a half staff members short.  And they’re making me a party.  Well, I’ll let you know what they make me, exactly.  We’re having a staff meeting directly before lunch where the other staff members will find out which of my job duties they will be taking on.  I’m hoping to escape without someone throwing something at me.

When is the last time you ran into someone, and knew almost immediately, that you would get along famously?

It happened to me last night.  A woman across the table from me at the dinner before a volunteer gig said, “are you Kristin Flickinger from Sun Valley, Idaho?”  I am, in fact.  Turns out she grew up in the same small town in Idaho that I did (it’s Ketchum, actually), and although we had friends in common, we never knew each other.  She asked me this while playing with my cell phone, which I’d left at an empty place setting, and abandoned once I saw that there was space next to my co-workers.  I wedged myself between two people I knew, because I wasn’t feeling particularly social.  And, now here was some random woman with my cell phone in her hand asking about where I’d grown up.

Oddly enough, she knew who I was, not because she recognized me from Idaho, but because she’d been working a volunteer fair a couple of days earlier with someone who did know me, but wasn’t sure it was me when I walked by (probably because I was totally scowling that whole day).  Too funny that, two days later, we were volunteering at the same event – and sitting at the same table.

I reclaimed my phone, and we started chatting – and laughing.  After a few hours of volunteering and making each other laugh, she decided to sign up to volunteer again the next morning – today – so we could hang out a bit more.  We swapped-out our volunteer partners, and ended up monitoring a hole-in-one prize (it was a golf tournament).  We spent five straight hours laughing, talking about growing up in the Wood River valley, and giving each other a raft of crap.

I think it’s pretty awesome to be able to meet someone Monday night, and by Tuesday afternoon have inside jokes that made us both laugh uncontrollably.  It was a nice reminder that I don’t know how I’ll get along with a person when I meet them.  (I know.  I sound like Forrest Gump.  It’s still true.)  Everyone has the potential to be a fast-friend -or even someone I grew up next to and never knew!  The only way to find out is to take the opportunity.  Next time I’ll try to sit next to the person I don’t know – even when I’m feeling antisocial.

These last couple of months have been packed full of life lessons for me. Perhaps the most astounding set of lessons has come from my break-up and friendship with Leigh.

You know the joke about the lesbian second date? Here it is for all the noobs. “What does a lesbian bring to a second date?” You ready for it? “A U-Haul.” (When Leigh and I got together, my mom asked me if I’d brought the U-Haul. Awesome.)

It’s almost as cliche to say that all lesbians stay friends after they break up. I know it’s not true, but sometimes it feels that way. The emotional appeal of staying friends with someone you’ve been close to is strong for two women. I’m not sure, however, that very many take it to the level that Leigh and I have.

After we tried out a traditional break-up (I said I was leaving, Leigh packed my clothes and a kitchen chair – yes a kitchen chair – into suitcases) we had a good long cry and a good long laugh. Then we talked about how important we are to each other, and how much both of us want to make sure that our friendship comes out on the other side, at least as strong as it was before the break-up. We talked about the logistics of who would live where, and for how long, and started through the process of dividing the possessions that we’d merged.

We also did what any other 21st century couple would do: we created a facebook page. We’d seen friends go through tough break-ups and we didn’t want our friends taking sides, feeling awkward (we kept that honor for ourselves), or wondering what was going on. It also helped us start the difficult conversation about what we were going through.

When we got together, we paid a great deal of attention to the practical aspects of being together. We’d known each other for a couple of years and been good friends for about a year. The night we finally got together, Leigh and I spent four hours talking about how much we liked each other, how getting together could change our friendship, and even what a break-up would look like – nobody said anything about kitchen chairs. Only then did we move forward. (We’re both lawyers, so it’s remarkable we didn’t sign contracts that night.)

Our break-up, has given us the opportunity to try something new – to tread a different path from the one we mapped out the night we got together. One of the greatest parts of our relationship has shown itself, ironically, in our break-up.

I live in Leigh’s house. It was our home, but it’s Leigh’s house. While many women might have told me I had to pack my shit and leave, and I might have left and not looked back, Leigh and I have been able to show each other a level of love and respect – and to be gentle with each other in a way we didn’t quite manage when we were together. I’m not sure if it’s because of the new life perspective I have, or the fact that I’m leaving, or Leigh’s new prescription, but I’m very grateful for it.

It’s been about three months since we created the facebook page. I’ve lived at Leigh’s that entire time, selling my house, quitting my job, moving my things to storage. I feel closer to her than ever, though I know that the break-up was the right thing. It’s given me a clear view of what it is I’m leaving behind, and an even clearer view of why I want to keep Leigh in my life. She’s important to me, and I’m very happy that we’ve been able to navigate our relationship and its ending the way we have.

I’m not saying it’s been easy – it hasn’t. It is unbelievably difficult to see someone I care about hurting because of decisions I’ve made – every day – and then to try to comfort her. I’m not saying this could work for everyone. We weren’t always sure it would work for me to stay in the house until I left, but we’ve communicated the entire time, the best we could, and we’ve kept each other informed about our feelings and our plans. We see each other as family, which means we plan to be in each other’s lives for a long, long time, and we want the best for each other.

I’m incredibly proud of Leigh. She’s branching out and lightening-up, and she’s pursuing her dream of being a photographer. (She’s really good.) I know she’s proud of me – even if she doesn’t understand why I’m doing what I’m doing.

I don’t know what will happen for either of us when I leave. There have been plenty of tears shed. We’ve both had our good and bad days. Even on the worst days, it’s been an inexplicable comfort to be able to walk through the house and get a hug from Leigh. She’s my best friend. After six years, she knows me better than almost anyone. I think about how fortunate I am every day to have her in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do when she’s not near me, and I know we’re better when we’re not together. That’s a hard place to be sometimes. But, hard places teach lessons.

So, I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned how important it is to be honest and up-front with those I love. I’ve learned that there is room for creativity in most everything – even in break-ups. I’ve learned that love isn’t necessarily enough to sustain the relationship I want, but it is enough to allow me to discover what type of relationship is sustainable.

The last three months have been full of lessons and of gifts. I hope that, as I move through my life, I can be as kind to others as Leigh has been to me, and that I remember how important it is to treat those I love with respect, even when I find myself in uncomfortable positions.

I realized that keys are power when I was in High School. It was right around the time I nicked the master key to the schools in the district and made myself a copy. That key lived secretly on my keyring for three years, allowing me access to every room in the school. For a high school kid, that’s serious power.

I was reminded of that this week when, one morning while locking the house on the way to work, I realized how light my keyring had grown. I only carry keys – no fobs or gadgets – just keys. Until about a week ago, I had probably7 or 8 keys on a couple of connected rings. When I looked down at them this week, I realized that they had started dwindling. Leigh took the key to the garage off my ring, as I won’t really be needing it anymore. As soon as my house closes, I’ll be losing my house key, and mail key. I have two keys for work, which will be ending in two weeks. That just leaves the key to Leigh’s house, and the one for my bike lock – neither of which I’ll need on my trip.

I’ve had a hefty key ring for the last 15 years of my life. Makes me wonder a bit what it will be like not to have a car key, a house key, or an office key – at all. Interesting how powerful symbols are. I know I won’t have the car, house or office, but the loss of the keys really hit home. “Hit home.” That’s funny.