Tales of a wandering lesbian

Let’s talk about sex

WARNING:  This post contains explicit language.  If you don’t want to think about me in compromising situations, please go look at pictures of kittens.

Questions about sex are the ones asked most often.  They’re also the questions that don’t get asked.  They linger under the surface in the too-long silence after I tell people I’m willing to answer any questions they have about the gayness.  It’s kind of like in elementary school when we all wanted to ask, “how does an astronaut pee if there’s no gravity?”  Nobody wanted to be the one to put their hand up, but we were all thinking it.

Just last night I was asked, “when does it become sex?”  My answer then was, “don’t worry, honey, we’re not there yet.”   Still, it’s a good question.

Like in the heterosexual world, the answer to this question depends on the person.  Just ask Bill “is” Clinton.  Here’s the answer for me:  Penetration=sex.  Also, oral sex=sex.  Also, direct clitoral stimulation=sex.  Let’s break that down.


Penetration with tongue, fingers or toy (dildo, etc) is pretty clearly sex in my book.  (Don’t worry, I know there are all sorts of questions out there about this topic.  I’ll explore this more on its own.)

Oral sex

If your mouth is on my clit, or your tongue is in me, it’s sex.

Direct clitoral stimulation

If your hand, mouth, or anything else is on my clit without something other than a safety material in between, it’s sex.

That’s what it is for me.  Believe me, honey it leaves lots of room for spirited disagreement.  For instance, does orgasm=sex?  Damn good question.  What do you all think?

Also, I want to be sure to say that I don’t want anyone using this post to argue with their significant other that what they did wasn’t cheating.  Cheating and sex are two totally different, if related, things.  One of my friends, when defining sex asked the question, “if your husband was doing that, would you consider it sex?”  Careful there.  If my husband was kissing another person, I’d consider it cheating.  I wouldn’t consider it sex.  Also, if my husband was kissing me, I’d wonder what the hell kind of messed up dream I was having.

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1 Ant { 05.12.10 at 12:10 pm }

Oh dear. I wish I liked cats.

2 Big Mama { 05.12.10 at 4:17 pm }

Please find some kittens for me to see.

3 KFlick { 05.12.10 at 4:59 pm }

Mom! I provided a link in the warning! People, please! I’m trying to be responsible here.

4 Heather { 05.12.10 at 6:52 pm }

I’m pretty much in agreement. My phrase is, “If you’re getting off, it’s sex.”

But, the thing that made me laugh out loud was your mom’s comment and your subsequent reply. Reminds me of the time I needed to grab something from under my mom’s bed, and BAM, I found her vibrator. It’s a good thing she wasn’t home so she didn’t see/hear me run screaming through the house.

5 Tribe of One { 05.13.10 at 10:32 am }

So tribbing is not sex?

6 KFlick { 05.13.10 at 10:41 am }

Tribbing. This is actually a conversation I had with some friends. Turns out, for me, it depends. Might have to do with intention, might have to do with end result. For those not familiar, “tribbing” is what I usually refer to as “rolling around” (though it’s a bit more than that).

On the sofa, mostly clothed, while you’re scrolling through DVR’d commercials, I think it’s fooling around. In bed, with no other purpose, it’s darn close to sex.

If it’s a clothing-free romp, or the intent is orgasm for either person, I’d say we’ve entered sex-ville.

7 Tribe of One { 05.13.10 at 10:44 am }

If someone comes, then it’s sex. I don’t care how many clothes you have on.

8 KFlick { 05.13.10 at 10:47 am }

It’s a fair point, Tribe of One. But it’s a bit of a slippery slope. What if you’re across the room and I come? In the other room? What about sexting? Wait, maybe that’s no so slippery. Those all seem like sex. I think I just wanted to say slippery.

9 Amanda { 05.13.10 at 1:18 pm }

Very interesting discussions. My partner actually did a paper about tribadism and rape. Interesting stuff. I think that can be sex in more instances than people would necessarily realize, but that’s a personal preference issue. I don’t hold the orgasm thing as a rule for sex. Otherwise I’d have only a few partners and a lot acting classes. The interesting issue is what about when the sex is one sided…only one person is receiving? Are both people having sex? I’ve never had a good answer for that one. I would think so, but if it’s not reciprocated, I’m not too sure how that part works. It’s also hard to answer that time honored, heterosexual ritual bachlorette party question (as I did not too long ago) about how often you have sex or how many sexual partners. Everything they (the heteros) considered to be foreplay was sex to me and I didn’t really see that it would necessarily be different based on the orientation. It was an interesting excercise and I’m glad you posted it.

10 KFlick { 05.13.10 at 3:04 pm }

Yes indeed. In a convo with some of my hetero friends, I found that a lot of what they didn’t consider sex was, in fact, very much sex to me. There was, however a good bit of disagreement between them.

Interesting stuff. Helpful to get this cleared up between partners early on, I think. Especially if one or both are committed to staying within boundaries.

11 Heather Johnston { 05.13.10 at 8:38 pm }

I’ll admit, there was a lot of nervous coughing coming from me while I read this. Then I read it again with a forced open mind. The third time, I actually heard what you were saying.

I’ve come to two conclusions: You are my hero for putting yourself out there for the education of all of us


I’m worried that after two “fuck-trophies” (i.e. darling children). I’m still vapor-locked over the idea of discussing sex with anybody.

Again, Kristin, I bow down to you and your healthy ability to be honest with the world. Sending love to you, wherever you are in the world!

12 Heather { 05.13.10 at 9:41 pm }

As far as the hetero/homo divide on this topic, I asked a few straight friends today and came to an interesting realization. What constitutes sex really depends on what boy/girl parts you have available to use. For example, many of my straight female friends do not consider their boyfriend penetrating them with a finger to be sex, but they do consider penetration with a penis sex. So that raises an interesting question: if you have the genatalia but choose not to use it, is that considered sex? (example: a man choosing to use a finger instead of his penis) For a lesbian, or at least this lesbian, I would consider penetration with a finger to be sex. But, is that because I don’t have a penis? All I know is that I’m damn glad I don’t have to wait for things to rise to the occasion, if you know what I mean.

13 Coffeeboy { 05.14.10 at 6:28 am }

On the subject of foreplay I think that hets/gays/bis, if asked honestly, would agree. I think that when you get “lucky” it’s more than foreplay. I certainly think that when I penetrate a woman, or a man for that matter, with anything I’ve crossed a barrier of intimacy that is absolutely sex. I love having these conversations with my lesbian friends because the misconceptions running both ways are so interesting. Het men who say that oral sex or finger-banging isn’t sex are trying to get away with cheating or are trying to get more. But it’s in the name. If you say sex to describe what you’re doing, you’re having it. But I do have a question: What about breast play? Are breasts considered erogenous enough to have sex with?

14 KFlick { 05.14.10 at 5:55 pm }